This is my first blog post and update~Tyler
Last night our little baby Grace had to be taken out of her mommy because of complications it was causing for Meredith. She passed peacefully while laying on her Mommy with zero pain which while I am extremely thankful for that, I’m not ready to thank God for much at this particular point in time. We now are dealing with complications and Meredith is in the ICU. The doctors have told us it is just cautionary, and while it appears she’s feeling better, I am extremely skeptical of anything any doctor tells me. We are doing our best to not freak out till there’s anything to freak out about and this morning I woke up to my little baby girl in her bassinet next to Meredith in her bed. Now all my energy and desperation has turned to Meredith, but I want to share this about Grace.
I’ve never written a blog or been a good writer period, which would be a good reason for someone like me to never write a blog…but as I lay here Saturday morning looking at Grace lying next to Meredith, I see the the two most courageous women I’ve ever known.
While it brings tears to my eyes and pain I’ll next be able to describe, I am thankful I was able to tell my daughter “I see you.” I was able to tell her that I’ve always seen her and she’s beautiful. I see you coming home with us when Mommy’s better. I see you laying in your crib in your nursery while William stares at you in wonder and Avery tries to steal all your toys. I hear you crying all night (something anyone who’s had a child eventually hates the sound of, but right now I would give any and every limb of body to hear). I see William and Avery kissing you and hugging you and both of us telling them to be very gentle over and over again. I see you crawling and then walking so fast because you want to play with Avery. I see your beautiful dark hair and green eyes, and for some reason you can’t stand Frozen which is fine by me. I see you being the calm one, but I also know that wouldn’t happen. I saw Avery as being the calm one but her brother corrupted her, and Avery would get to you too. I see you running and playing. I see you loving soccer and I would have to spend a lot of time researching the rules of that really boring game, because I would be one of your coaches. I see you and Avery fighting over the bathroom when you’re both older and ratting each other out to me (just like Meredith and her sister, Katharine, did when they were kids…or so I’ve been told). I then see you and Avery becoming the closest of friends and defining what sisterly love really is. Just like Meredith and her sister Katharine show me all me time with the love and support they have for each other. I see William telling me your new boyfriend is not good and he wants to beat him up which I have to tell him that’s not going to happen, though in my mind I would like to do it myself. More than anything I see you as part of our family which you are and will always be.
I know we’ll never be the same and while I try so hard to find anything positive about this, it doesn’t happen. The only thing I find is the deepest regret, sadness, and helplessness that I couldn’t help you and that I will never see any of these things. Coming to terms with that, accepting that, and coping with it is going to take us time.
I love you Meredith & little Grace- love, Tyler
I never expected to find a lot of the things I’ve encountered in the path that I have travelled in my life. I might describe myself as a free spirit, but with a bit more attention to the steps necessary to get there. My dad has always said that I like my “ducks in a row”; and my husband and I probably connected initially on a big energy excitement level, but ultimately I became the “details person” out of default. It’s ok with me because I like to have control of the details, so maybe I’m a contradictory control-freak-free spirit. Hah. People also describe me as both soft spoken, but perhaps strongly opinionated or possessing leadership qualities. Lastly, although I really hate the spotlight, I am comfortable writing and sharing about myself and my experiences, as terrible and nightmarish of an experience as it is.
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing, and no good thing ever dies.”