I cannot believe it’s only been two weeks. Two weeks ago, I looked 40 plus weeks pregnant and we were walking into the scariest moments of our lives. I had been gaining 5-7 pounds a week of pure fluid those last couple weeks and my health was rapidly declining. I recently signed into my hospital records and am getting notified every hour of all the labs that were taken weeks ago; it’s like visiting the past with my Christmas ghost. I was in chronic kidney failure, severely anemic, and had a blood clotting disorder. I got through a dangerous surgery and lost so much blood that I had to have 4 blood transfusions. Our baby died. It was hard to differentiate between physical and emotional pain as they were so very connected. A stay in the ICU, a trip to the ER and countless complications…it’s all like a fog. Sometimes it plays like the scenes of a dramatic movie in our heads.
Two weeks later, it’s bizarre how “normal” I look despite everything that happened. I went from feeling so exposed by my physical appearance as an outwardly very pregnant woman harboring a deeply sad secret to so very anonymous that most people would not even detect the loss that I feel. I am slowly re-joining my life and trying to make sure that I take care not to rush in too fast. Tyler and I don’t necessarily want to feel like we used to, because we know we never will. We don’t even want to…feel normal. We don’t ever want to forget.
One of the things that makes me very sad is how much I always wanted my daughter to have a sister, like I do. My sister and I are even closer now than ever. She has been here for me, for us, and helped so much I cannot even imagine how I would have done this without her. All the women in my life, especially my mother and Tyler’s mother, literally dropped everything to help us get through this. They are so giving and so full of love for us and for Baby Grace. They are our everyday heroes. We are so very lucky to have these strong women supporting us, and I am honored to be mothered by them and have my children grandmother-ed and auntied by such a loving team.
I think “Mothers Day” isn’t quite the right expression to capture the sentiment of how we feel for our biggest supporters. It’s not even necessarily about being a mother, it’s about giving so much and loving so much.
We, as a family, are the recipients of so much love. We know too that many Mothers and mothers-to-be heard about baby Grace and took a little piece of our burden into their hearts. We have received so many thoughtful messages and expressions of care from so many people, and I want to say thank you universally.